唇寒齿亡。

I cut myself up bigtime last night. My arm was bleeding, non stop. I was frightened, I didn’t know what I did to myself this time.

We had a fight. Shall not elaborate on the fight, I think it all does not matter anymore.

I lost it, I was standing at this forsaken spot in Marina Bay train station, I fished out my bunch of keys and started cutting my arm with one of the keys. I didn’t realise how hard I was cutting myself, I cursed and swore. As I was cursing, I was cutting. I only stopped when I saw the amount of blood flowing down my arm. I don’t know what I did.

I vomitted, I cried, I felt so lonely. I have no friends. Truth be told, Matty has grown so distant, we don’t have heart to heart talks like we used to anymore, I feel that our conversations have grown so shallow and superficial over the recent months. QL is always so busy, she’s busy with her job, she’s busy with her family, she’s busy with her other friends. Pauline has her own share of problems and we’ve grown distant as well, she doesn’t tell me what’s bothering her and I don’t want to impose on her by calling her in the middle of the night just because I really have no one to turn to. Sam just recovered from a bad patch with Kevin, she has her own best friend, I am just a nobody in her life, perhaps I’m nothing more than a hi and bye friend, it’s kinda like wishful thinking that I can be someone’s friend at all. T is a very nice colleague, she cares about me – when her time allows, she too has her own besties and life and her ligament injury has not recovered yet, I didn’t want to bother her with my issues. Ruby has her own life, no doubt she’d be the only person (other than Sam) who would be able to see where I’m coming from. Ruby would have been able to understand my pain and my actions, she knows why people hurt themselves. She knows people who hurt themselves are not seeking attention or sympathy and all we hope to get out of hurting ourselves is a taste of the bitter reality we’ve caught ourselves in. Mum only cares about my brother, everything about my brother is fantastic to her and there’s no room in her heart for me at all.

I walked out of the train station, I didn’t know where I should be heading to, I found a corner near the station, sat down there and puked my bile out. I couldn’t stop crying. I lit a cigarette, I was smoking and crying at the same time. I wanted to call someone for help. I wanted to call Matty and scream my guts out, but I didn’t want to disturb her, I didn’t want to worry her. I wanted to call Kevin to tell him I can’t go in to work on Monday and that I needed a day’s rest to realign my emotions, because I’m exhausted – my mind was in such a whirl and I was such a wreck. But I didn’t call him, because he is not a friend, he is my superior, he does not need to know what’s happening to me and I shouldn’t cross that line. I also don’t want him to think that I’m a psycho crazy bitch, I totally don’t need further allegations from anyone else of my sanity – I am not crazy. I wanted to call Pauline, I know she will most probably charge down from wherever she is to come see me, but I didn’t call her. I didn’t call her because I am not her responsibility, I haven’t been there for her when she needed me, I don’t think it’s fair for me to expect her to be there for me all the time either. I wanted to call T, but I reckon her foot injury was still quite bad and that she’s most likely asleep already and so I didn’t call her. I wanted to call Sam, but I don’t know what she will say to me. I don’t know if hearing her talk will make me feel any better. I don’t know if her own emotions were fixed already, I didn’t want to add on to her own emotional burden. I wanted to call Ruby, but I thought it was late and she’s most likely in bed already. I wanted to call SOS, but whoever on the other line will only listen and not reason with me. I don’t want a one-way conversation. That was so not what I needed last night.

It’s sad that I seem to have so many “friends” but there is no one for me to fall back on when I’m at my lowest. I can’t believe there’s nobody I could depend on at all. Or pehaps, I just don’t trust people enough.

I didn’t call anyone in the end. I just sat at that corner outside the train station, puking and silently crying my guts out. A gazillion of thoughts were swimming in my head. I lost myself and I just couldn’t find myself back. I had the OM tattooed over one of the deepest scars on my wrist – to remind myself to never cut again. The last time I cut myself was a year ago and I broke my own promise this time. Despite the reminder from the tattoo, I did it again. This time, worse than ever. Now my entire arm is swollen and bruised because of the force I exerted on it when I was cutting myself. I have 3 deep cuts which is starting to scab but hurts like fuck. What the fuck did I do to myself? Just what the fuck did I do!

My heart is still aching, I have never been able to seek validation from anyone. I know I have already tried my best to understand others. Why am I still accused of not doing all those? Why do I always have to suck it in and bear with all that nonsense being thrown at me all the time?

I am so fucking tired and worn out! You think I like to do this? You think I want to disfigure my own arm? Do you people know just how fucking hard I’ve been trying?! It is not easy at all! I have never been so calm and composed for the past twenty over years of my life as compared to the recent months! I suck it in, I don’t retaliate, I don’t pick up fights, I talk calmly, I don’t shout and I refused to cut myself. You think all that came easy? NO! They were the results of the tremendous amount of self-restrain and efforts I put in with my sheer determination! Don’t question that determination, don’t second-guess that determination and DON’T tease that determination! I am not some fucking toy!

I can’t remember the last time I felt so hurt that I don’t need anyone to be around to make me feel better. I just want to be alone.

I think I’m overwhelmed by all that’s been happening to me for the past couple of months. I want to be successful, I want to do well at work, I want prestige. I want to be the best I can be, I can’t lose. I want to be the best and I won’t settle for second best. I want a pay raise, I want recognition. I want to be important in one way or another. I want to have a stable life. I want to be pretty. I want to be a good friend. I want to  go to bed smiling, I want to be happy.

This emotional attack is the worst in 2009 so far. This physical pain I inflicted upon myself is so uncalled for. Just what have I done?